Shadows of an Outlaw, a Musical Western / by Andy Limb and Roy Civil

Cast:

WILD WILLY BOY GARRETT
EMMELINE GARRETT
VIRGINIA GARRETT
BILLY-JO GARRETT

RANCH-HANDS:
JACKSON WILDE
RANDY RONCHERO
MERLE MAYHEM
JOSHUAH TWITTY
age 12

TOWNSFOLK OF TUMBLEWEED CREEK:
PATSY CROCKETT
the absent sheriff's wife
CINDY RHINESTONE owner of the saloon
JOHNNY RODRIGUEZ a cowboy
LUKE RICOCHET Cindy's son
TAMMY BRAVADO - a widow
BETTY-LOU TABERNACLE - a widow
DOLLY RAWHIDE - a widow
MELODY BANDANA - town whore
DAISY GATLIN - town whore
MERCEDES HOUSTON - town whore
LORETTA RIVERS - town whore
RANDALL HAGGARD a cowboy/gambler
BARTENDER
GUNMAN
DWIGHT COWPAT
- a cowboy
FARON COOLEY - a city gent from the East
BILL HICKOCK - the piano player
WAYLON MONTANA - the drunken preacher/ contender for Mayor

THE ENGLISH CONTINGENT:
REVEREND ABRAHAM PEABODY
HARRIET PEABODY
his sister
THEIR FATHER [voice-over.]

MOUNDED KNEE RESERVATION:
BIG CHIEF KNEELING GERBIL

CROUCHING HAMSTER a young brave - school age
INDIAN BRAVES youngsters, all of them - school age

PLUS:
DR HANK PAYCHECK
a travelling quack doctor Any number of townsfolk etc., as desired.

Though this can be done as a full-scale musical with a large cast, it is also possible to do with doubling and quite a small number. 13 girls and 9 boys is about right, though more colour and sound is gained from larger numbers.

The action takes place in the Wild West of 1873. An ageing wheelchair bound outlaw, Wild Willy Boy Garrett, sends his three daughters, Virginia, Emmeline, and Billy-Joe to the wild town of Tumbleweed Creek to complete three tasks he is unable to fulfil himself.

On this journey Virginia falls in love with the Indian chief that she is supposed to kill. Emmeline forms a strong bond with Cindy, the exlover Garrett wants her to humiliate and Billy-Joe, after various comic encounters, discovers that her only chance of providing a grandson for her father lies with the virtuous English missionary Abraham Peabody. When Cindy's son the evil Luke Ricochet, begins to manipulate events, tragedy results with the only surviving protagonist being Emmeline. The townspeople of Tumbleweed and their various idiosyncracies provide a colourful backdrop to this musical which takes the themes of religion and prejudice. it contains a variety of musical styles for solo, duet, quartet and chorus.


Sample Pages from the script

Extract 1

WILLY
Emmeline! Virginia! Billy-Jo! I wanna see y'all right away. Where the hell are ya?!

Enter Ernmeline, running, carrying washing and soup pan.

EMMELINE
Sorry I'm late, Pa. I've just finished washing your long johns. I do wish you'd change your underwear more than once every three months. I had to get rid of some mighty persistent stains. [Offers soup.] Soup? It's your favourite - beaver.

WILLY
I'll taste it in a minute. Where are your sisters?

EMMELINE
Last time I saw Virginia she was looking at lots of bits of paper with a hard cover on either side.

WILLY
You mean she was reading a book?

EMMELINE
Guess so. Ain't got the time myself.

WILLY
Nothin' good ever came of anyone readin'. You keep loin' the cookin', the cleanin' and the washin'. The good Lord looks kindly on a woman who works hard in the house. Always remember those Ten Commandments.

EMMELINE
I can't recall the one that says 'Thou shalt clean out the john with thy bare hands.'

WILLY
It's in the extended version.

Enter Virginia, head in hook. She's miles away.

VIRGINIA reading
'Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?'

WILLY
I don't know about any teller called Romeo, but I'm over here and I need to speak to you.

VIRGINIA
Howdy, Pal What an enchantin' tale this is. About two doomed lovers. I think I'll be sheddin' bucketfuls of tears by the end. It's by Shakespeare.

WILLY
Spears! Don't remind me. I had enough of those thrown at me by those redskin devils when we were forcing them into their reservations in '73.

VIRGINIA
That ain't a polite term no more, Pa. You gotta say Native American Indian.

WILLY
Horseshit! The only good injun's a dead injun.

VIRGINIA
But then we wouldn't have any of that wonderful ethnic pottery with its primitive use of shades and colours.

EMMELINE
It's also very heat resistant.

WILLY
Be quiet! You seen Billy-Jo?

VIRGINIA
They're branding cattle at Red Sovine Ranch. She's been helpin' out over there.

Enter Billy-Jo.

BILLY-JO
Yee-haw! [She holds a bloody bull's horn in her hands.] No damned bull is gonna get the better of me. The toughest one to brand and I did it. Ain't you proud, Pa? [Thumps him between his shoulder blades.] You shoulda seen me jump on that bull's back and wrestle him to the ground. He was havin' none of it, but as soon as I wrenched this off his head he came round to my way of thinkin'.

VIRGINIA
Isn't that rather cruel?

BILLY-JO
Cattle are like men, Virginia. You gotta whip `em into shape so they do what you want.

VIRGINIA
Maybe that's why you ain't got no sweetheart. You're too rough.

BILLY-JO
Hell, what do I need a sweetheart for? I got my horse and the freedom of the prairie. I don't want to be feed down by some snivellin' little grocery clerk.

Willy has been gradually getting more irate during this dialogue.

EMMELINE
I think Pa wants to speak.

WILLY
Damn right I do. Now, listen here, boys. [The sisters look quizzically at each other.] I've called you all together because there's something mighty important you gotta do for me.

EMMELINE
Don't worry. Supper's nearly ready, Pa.

WILLY
Not that, you stupid girl. As you can see, I ain't in the best physical condition and I ain't gettin' any younger. But there are just three things in life I gotta do before the good Lord sends for me.... Y'see, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, and if a man can't do what a man's gotta do, he gets his sons to do it for him. But if that man ain't got no sons to do for that man what a man's gotta do, then he's gotta rely on his daughters to do those thing's a man's gotta do. That clear?

EMMELINE
What we gotta do?

WILLY
Help me get back what I'm owed. Remember I told you about that woman who did me wrong? Cindy Rhinestone. I hear she runs a saloon in the town of Tumbleweed Creek, just south of Dry Gulch Springs. Apparently she's rennin' for Mayor and those townsfolk are so simple-minded, they might even vote for a woman. ... I got information to stop her campaign and make sure she's run out of the two-bit town. But who'd believe an outlaw like me? Wild Willy Boy Garrett? Emmeline, your task is to humiliate that traitor and put a sweet smile back on my face.

VIRGINIA
D'you want me to go with her?

WILLY
Only as far as the Indian Reservation. That's where the snake-eyed Injun chief lives who sold me the horse that put me in this chariot. [He points at the wheelchair.]

VIRGINIA
So you'd like me to ask him for some compensation.

WILLY
No, Virginia, it's much simpler than that. You just gotta kill him.

VIRGINIA
But, Pa...

WILLY to Billy-Jo
As for you...

BILLY-JO
You want me to kill Johnny Nightime. I'll fill him so full of holes they'll be usin' him for a colander.

WILLY
He's dead already. Shot in the back by the Dodge City Gang a few years since. No, Billy-Jo - as you know, I've never had a son and it's highly unlikely I'll produce one now, so all I want from you is to give me a grandson.

VIRGINIA
But she ain't got no husband!

WILLY
Well, she better find one and pretty damned quick.


Extract 2

ACT 1 SCENE 5: THE NEXT DAY ON THE RANGE.

Emmeline, Virginia and Billy-Jo enter.

BILLY-JO
We'll let the horses rest up awhile down by the river. Ifigure we got a coupla more days riding and we'll be getting dose to the Injun reservation.

VIRGINIA
That's when I got to shoot that Indian Chief. I can't take a man's life, Billy-Jo. It's a sacred thing. It's something we should treasure - like our virginity. Which reminds me... I can't believe you even thought about letting one of those ranch-hands actually.....

BILLY-JO
They didn't lay a finger on me. I want a baby, not a moose. I'm gonna make sure I find a nice, upstandin' gentleman in Tumbleweed. Then I can do my duty. Now we gotta make sure you do yours.

EMMELINE
She ain't even fired a gun, let alone killed no one. She didn't even shoot those coyotes when they were after our chickens.

VIRGINIA
They looked so darned cute: a happy family frolicking about in the grass.

BILLY-JO
Quit that talk now. I'm gonna teach you how to shoot - and shoot to kill .... You gotta have a strong eye an' a firm grasp on the trigger. A rifle's what you need so you're far enough away not to see the pain on his face when he crumples onto the ground in a bloody heap.

VIRGINIA
I think I'm going to be sick.

BILLY-JO
Listen, now. Take the rifle ... put it up against your shoulder ... Don't fire just yet. Emmeline - you go over there...

EMMELINE
She ain't gonna shoot me!

BILLY-JO
No. You're goin' to put this bottle on that rock. [Emmeline walks over to the rock] Virginia, take aim and...

VIRGINIA
Fire! [Virginia fires. Emmeline drops the bottle in alarm.]

EMMELINE
Sweet baby Jesus! You nearly shot me in the arse!

BILLY-JO
It sure makes a bigger target than the bottle.

VIRGINIA
Sorry, Emmeline. Guess I got a bit nervous.

EMMELINE
How the hell d'you think I feel? [Emmeline takes the bottle and pots it on the rock.] Now give me plenty of time to get away. [She moves away.]

BILLY-JO
Be calm, be careful and, in your own time... begin.

Virginia fires foul` shots, No hit.

VIRGINIA
I ain't done too well, have I?

EMMELINE
Don't know about that. Lookee here, [Picks up dead squirrels.] She's just shot us some dinner.

VIRGINIA
Oh those poor squirrels.

BILLY-JO exasperated
Virginia, don't you worry about firing the rifle at the Chief. Just grab it with this end... [ Takes barrel end.]... run up to him and hit him square between the eyes.

EMMELINE
She couldn't hit a cow's backside with a banjo.

ABRAHAM from offstage
I'm telling you, Harriet, there's danger at every turn.

VIRGINIA
Wait a minute, I got one more shot.

She fires. There is a shout off-stage. Abraham and Harriet enter. Abraham is fingering a hole in his hat.

ABRAHAM seeing the sisters
Oh no, a gang of desperadoes. [He sinks to his knees.] Please, God, save us.

BILLY-JO
Howdy, Mister.

ABRAHAM
Look, we haven't got any money. The bag is full of bibles. Please let us continue on our journey.


Extract 3

VIRGINIA
You feel I can be of some assistance to you?

CHIEF
Those best equipped to teach are those most willing to learn. We can learn from each other.

VIRGINIA
I brought you this. [Gives him her copy of `Romeo and Juliet'.]

CHIEF
Romeo and Jukes? Thank you.

VIRGINIA
I'm afraid it ain't got a happy ending.

CHIEF
What has these days? Even when war is over, there are always some who would like to start again.

VIRGINIA
And love?

CHIEF
With love, perhaps, we should be thankful for a happy beginning. [Pause.] Coo your sisters know you are here?

VIRGINIA
I guess so. They knew I had to see you again. I hope you don't think they're prejudiced or nothin'. Billy-Jo's a bit wild, but her heart's in the right place and, well - Emmeline, she wouldn't know how to spell it, let alone be it.

CHIEF
And your father?

VIRGINIA
Bigotry comes too easy to him.

CHIEF
Then it must be your mother's light shining in those eyes.

VIRGINIA
Perhaps so. I never got the chance to know her. Your father must be proud of you.

CHIEF
If he was alive, I hope he would be. You see, Virginia, my father was white and my mother was a squaw. It took many moons, but he was gradually accepted into the Indian camp. But he sent me away to be educated and civilised.... When I returned, I wanted to ride into camp proudly holding my certificate high like a tomahawk. But no one came running out to greet me. The Seventh Cavalry had been there a few hours before, had attacked the camp in order to force us off our land. There were small fires burning where the tepees had been, so I walked between these and past the wailing children. And it was then that I saw them. My mother - stretched out on the ground, butchered. My father - hanging by a rope, his tongue cut out. Then from behind me I heard the sound of laughter. When I turned round, I could see it was coming from the soldiers. I stared at them and they stared back at me. Me, with my smart suit, my colourful waistcoat, polished boots - my new hat. Then one of them came over to shake my hand. Because that's the civilised thing to do.

Silence.

VIRGINIA
I'm surprised you didn't take revenge.

CHIEF
How many lifetimes would I need for that? [Pause.] Let me show you round my home. You can stay as long as you want.

VIRGINIA
Chief? Should you always be true to your father?

CHIEF
You can only be true to your heart. Come.

He holds out his hand. Virginia takes it.

END OF ACT ONE.

Extract 4

ACT 2 SCENE 1: LORETTA'S BEDROOM

Tammy, Betty-Lou and Dolly sit. Loretta, Melody and Cindy stand as Daisy and Mercedes fit Billy-Jo into a dress. Emmeline is by the dressing-table.

BILLY-JO
I don't know why I have to be trussed up like some turkey for Thanksgiving dinner.

LORETTA
You'll be givin' thanks to us when you entice a man - dressed like that. Now, should you wear a hat? [She puts one on BillpJo's head, but Billy-Jo throws it off.]

BILLY-JO
I'm not wearin' no Easter bonnet like some prissy little school teacher.

TAMMY
You've done her up real nice, Loretta. Reminds me when Burl and I went acourtin'.

BETTY-LOU
Your idea a courtin' was runnin' straight into the barn before supper. Your Pa was always lookin' for you.

TAMMY winking and laughing
I was only tryin' to find a needle in a haystack.

EMMELINE looking of perfumes on the dressing-table
You got lots of pretty things here. [Holds up one perfume.]

MELODY
I ain't seen this before. [She takes it and reads the label.] Passion Flower.

LORETTA
That's the one. Spray a little on Billy-Jo. But not too much. She only wants one man - not a stagecoach full of 'em.

BILLY-JO
That stinks!

DAISY
That ain't a stink, that's a scent. You've been spending too much of your time next to cowboys and cattle to appreciate the finer things in life.

BILLY-JO
Is that it? Can I just go down to the saloon now?

MERCEDES
Not yet. We got you lookin' good, we got you smellin' good, now we got to get you actin' good.

BILLY-JO
What you talkie' about?

MERCEDES
I'm talkie' about your attitude. Maybe you should mellow a little.

BILLY-JO
Bullshit! Mellow! I am mellow - ain't I mellow, Emmeline?

EMMELINE
I sometimes think you let your anger ride roughshod over your common sense.

BILLY-JO
Where the hell that come from?

CINDY
Emmeline's right. If you're a bit more sensitive you won't end up with the first man that comes along. We don't want you to make a mistake.

BETTY-LOU
And we've all made those - ain't we, Cindy?

DOLLY
Tell her about that murderin' polecat you were nearly hitched to.

CINDY
He ain't worth a second of our conversation.

TAMMY
What was his name - Willy or Billy or somethin'. You said he used to get real angry and hit ya.

BILLY-JO
Maybe he had a reason.

CINDY
Being bull-whipped till you're black and blue because his supper's not ready on time - that's a reason?

BILLY-JO
No, of course it ain't. I'm sorry.

CINDY
It's all in the past.

LORETTA
Now let's get Billy-Jo ready for the present. I'm goin' to show you exactly hove you behave when you go back down into the saloon. I'm goin' to play the part of you, so we need someone to be the man. Daisy - you be the one.

DAISY
Why me?

LORETTA
Because you're the only one of us who's got a moustache! I'm jokin'. Now, come on. You be the man at the bar before Billy-Jo comes in.

DAISY
What sort of man? Big, small, handsome, ugly? Young? Old?

LORETTA
I don't mind - just be a man. Any old cowboy will do.

DAISY
Right, I got it. Here goes. [Exaggerated display of masculine characteristics - chewing tobacco and spitting it out, feeling crotch, itching, belching, smoking etc.]

LORETTA
What the hell is that?

DAISY
I'm a man.

LORETTA
You're an animal.

BETTY-LOU
Ain't much difference sometimes.

LORETTA
Just tone it down a little. Now, I'm comin' in as Billy-Jo. That's Billy-Jo as she normally is. You ready?

DAISY
I'm ready. Just got to light my cigar. [Loretta walks in as Billy-Jo.] Howdy, gal. My Name's Tex. I've got three thousand head of cattle and the biggest ranch this side of Red River.

LORETTA
My name's Billy-Jo and I want a baby.

DAISY
So do I. Come on, let's get started. [She grabs Loretta's hand and moves off with her.]

LORETTA fighting free
No, no, not What d'you think you're doin'? I'm tryin' to show Billy-Jo that her approach is all wrong. That if you're too forward you'll frighten a man.

TAMMY
That's right. Wait till you're married and then start to frighten 'em.

LORETTA Let's try again. Now, watch me closely. I'm gonna be nice and demure, and smile like an angel. [She sees Daisy miming putting out her cigar.] What you doin'?

DAISY
I'm givin' up smokin'. It ain't nice to smoke in front of a lady. You comin' in now?

LORETTA
Yeah. Now, see how I walk, Billy-Jo. Not like I been on a horse for ten days. Just short little steps until I sit down sweetly and wait for a man to come to me. [Pause. Nothing happens.] Well... come on, then.

DAISY
Oh right. [She walks over.] Howdy, Ma'am. Would you like a drink?

LORETTA
That's very kind of you. A glass of water please.

DAISY
Class of water? You always drink whisky.

LORETTA exasperated
I'm not me, I'm her. But not her now, her as she should be.

DAISY
Sorry, let's start again. Would you ...

LORETTA
Forget the drink. Now, Billy-Jo, you got to engage the gentleman in some polite conversation. Nothin' controversial... Nothin' to do with babies.... Somethin' like the weather. [As Silly-Jo.] We've had an awful amount of rain lately.

DAISY
It's been torrential.

LORETTA
I hope it doesn't continue.

DAISY
If it does, I might have to cancel the church fete.

LORETTA
That would be terrible.

DAISY
Not necessarily. We could spend all our day makin' babies. [Loretta looks incredulously at Daisy.] What? You said that approach would work.

LORETTA
Not as soon as she sits down!

DAISY
Let's have another go. I'm enjoyin' this.

LORETTA
I think she's seen enough. What the hell possesses you to want a baby, I don't know. But let's get you down to that saloon. All the great and good of Tumbleweed Creek will be there now.

Extract 5

CINDY
It seems to me you're destined for one hell of a fine life. Runnin' errands for a man who don't treat you any better than some goddam pack horse...

EMMELINE
Why the hell d'ya think your life is so much better? Runnin' a two-bit saloon full of drunkards and whores...

CINDY
At least I got faith in myself to change things. You, Emmeline ... you ain't got no faith, and you sure as hell ain't got much pride.

SONG 8: LIVE THE DREAM EMMELINE:

You don't know me, you don't know me
You don't know just where I come from.

CINDY:
You don't know me, you don't know me
You don't know just what Ihave in mind
For this town, I'll turn it around
Just you watch me put the doubters down.

EMMELINE:
I have vision, I have vision
I can look beyond the present

CINDY: How much people long to share my dream
Give a facelift, make the town come clean.

EMMELINE: When 1 look into the past, I know I can run at last

CINDY:
Unless you take the chances to you here
You will never be more than you are, my dear.

EMELINE:
And all my hopes will disappear

CINDY:
You don't know me, you don't know me
You don't know the plans I'm making
You can't see it, you can't see the dream.

EMELINE.
I can share the dreamt, let me by.

BOTH TOGETHER:
There's a better life if you want it
If you have the guts to share the dream
There's a better way to handle sorrow
Nothing's quite as bad as it may seems
Live the dream
Live the dream
Live the dream.

Extract 6

DWIGHT
I hope this ain't goin' to take long. The saloon opens in an hour.

BETTY LOU
I hope we can understand it. He don't half talk funny.

DOLLY
At least he ain't drunk.

ABRAHAM
Welcome everybody. I am the Reverend Abraham Peabody and as you may know your regular preacher, Waylon Montana, is indisposed and has asked me to conduct this service... I take as my theme today 'The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.' This refers to birth and death, but I'd like to see what other things can be gained by giving ourselves up to God.

DWIGHT
He ain't given me nothin'. Last year I prayed for my horse to get better and it died.

ABRAHAM
Having faith isn't as simple as that. We must ...

TAMMY
The Lord ain't given me nothin' but trouble. I got aches and pains all over my body. I ask God to alleviate it but sometimes it gets worse.

ABRAHAM
Occasionally we have to suffer in order to...

BETTY-LOU
Damn right we're suffering. What's God goin' to do about all those roughnecks out there, causing trouble. Like that Luke Ricochet. Did God put him on earth to deliberately give us pain?

General murmurs of `Yeah "That's right" What's God ever done for us?' etc. Abraham can't control them. Billy-Jo gets up and fires her gun.

BILLY-JO
Be quiet, you moanin' sons of bitches. You give this man the respect he deserves or, so help me, I'll start ventilating some hides. You can't expect God to do everythin' for ya. You want your horse to get better, don't ride it so badly in the first place. You want to get rid of all the gunslingers? Well, there's enough of you. Get together and drive 'em out of town. And I'll tell you somethin' - I ain't no Bible basher, but I do know that God gave up His only Son for us and that feller, Jesus, died on the cross and if that ain't the biggest sacrifice, I don't know what is. Ain't that right, Abraham?

ABRAHAM
I was going to approach that subject, but in a less colloquial manner. [Pause.] Right ... erm ... I think it would be an appropriate time to sing Hymn number 23, Abide With Me.

Groans from congregation. Stops immediately as Billy-Jo brandishes her gun. First few bars of Abide With Me, interrupted by...

DOLLY
Ain't we got nothin' livelier than this? We got a new preacher - let's sing a new song.

SONG 11.- DANCE FOR THE LORD CHORUS:
You gotta dance, dance, dance, dance for the Lord
You gotta dance, dance, dance, dance for the Lord
if you are feeling holy but getting ignored
if you're feeling sad and bored
Come on and dance, dance, dance, dance for the Lord

VERSE 1:
Jitterbug down to Jericho
Slow your horn and the walls will go
Boogie on to Babylon
Go to Gomorrah and get it on
The Devil don't like to sing and dance
So if you play Gospel you'll put hint in a trance
Dance, dance, dance, dance for the Lord

CHORUS: You gotta dance, etc.

VERSE 2: Who needs wealth, who needs money
Dance into Canaan get your milk and honey
Noah in his ark, I'll make a bet Danced all night to Wet Wet Wet
The Devil ain't got dancing feet
Go jive to Jerusalem, he'll soon be heat
And dance, dance, dance, dance to the Lord

CHORUS: You gotta dance, etc.

VERSE 3: Moses came from Egypt with the Israelites
Saved them from their terrible plight
The Lord said, Moses, you've got one more chance
The eleventh Commandment is Thou Shalt Dance
The Devil don't like to bump and grind
So get on the floor, leave him behind
And dance, dance, dance, dance for the Lord.

Extract 7

LUKE
Ain't this an awe-inspiring sight? Little Miss White Girl and Big Chief Red Man and all their little children. Got started early, didn't ya? But that ain't a surprise. I know you injuns got no morals.

CHIEF
I don't know who you are and what you want, but it's time for you to leave.

LUKE
In my own good time. I'm here to - what did Emmeline say? - tie up a few loose ends.

VIRGINIA
What you done with Emmeline?

LUKE
Your sister's fine. I'm here to finish a job you hardly even started.

VIRGINIA
No! Not [She moves between the Chief and Luke.]

LUKE
Get out of the way.

VIRGINIA
He's come to kill you because you sold my Pa a horse which threw him and broke his back.

CHIEF
That man was your father? He stole that horse. I told him it was wild but he wouldn't listen.

LUKE
You better start listenin' now. The truth ain't that important to me. You might call this unjust ... your Pa would call it retribution. I'm cabin' it jackpot time. [He aims his gun.]

CHIEF
Virginia, please, save yourself.

VIRGINIA to Luke
Have you got no feelings whatsoever?

LUKE
Can't think of any at this particular moment.

VIRGINIA
You can't do this!

Virginia lunges for Luke. He shoots, she falls, the Braves scream and huddle together.

LUKE
I thought you were a noble warrior, Chief. You couldn't even save your squaw.

CHIEF
Ye-ha-noha-to-we-ne canto-sham-ico. Heal the soul.

LUKE
E I ain't got one. [He shoots Chief, who falls and dies. Luke approaches the Braves.] No one saw that, did they? That's right, get closer together. Bullets don't come cheap these days.

As the lights fade to blackout, we hear gunshots.

Extract 8

ACT 2 SCENE 5: THE CHURCH HALL THE FOLLOWING DAY.

It's election day and ballot boxes are being brought in. All towns people are present.

CINDY
You ain't seen Luke lately, have you? At least I thought he'd be here for my big day.

PATSY
I hope you ain't counting your chickens before they're hatched.

CINDY
I'm quietly confident. I mean to say - look at the opposition. [Points to dishevelled drunk in the corner.] He can't even make a decent preacher, let alone a politician. It was a good idea of yours to get in a band. It gives the people another reason to be here.

PATSY
And those free drinks weren't any encouragement?

CINDY
It's so important that I win.

PATSY
I know. [To townsfolk.] Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. Election day is here at last. Please feel free to take a drink, but before you cast your vote, let's open up the proceedings with a square dance.

Everyone prepares for the stance. First few bars... then...

BETTY-LOU
I've had enough of this. I've been in this town since I was a child and danced nothin' but these square dances. And if election day is time to make a change, well I say it's time we altered this goddamned dance.

SONG 13: UNSQUARE LANCE.
BETTY-LOU & CHORUS:
Since I was around about three
There's been a problem buggin' me
Why certain things you know will never change.
Summer always follows spring
And whip-poor-wills will always sing
And lonesome cowboys always ride the range.

But there's one thing above all else
That makes me vivant to cry and yell
And that's not why they all speak French in France.
No, it's the unrelenting way
That since the first Independence Day
The only dance you see is the square dance.

Let's have a round dance or an oblong hop
Let's all trip the triangle until we drop
Let's get rectangular and most new-fangular
Let dodecahedrons leave you wanting more
Let's go pentaganol and move diagonal
And finish with a circle on the floor.

There is such monotony
In one and two adding to three
And blue and yellow always making green.
Why can't a cow for once go 'Baa'
And sheriff's wear a moon and star
Does dinner have to be chuck steak and beans?

Why do bandits break the law
And then ride off to Arkansaw
Why did Duster fall at his last stand?
Why can't Mexicans be nice
And gamblers shoot five-sided dice
Someone needs to educate the band.
Let's have a round dance, etc.

PATSY
As Betty-Lou said, the winds of change may well be blowin' through this town after this election, so use your vote wisely. It is customary before we begin to open the floor to anyone who wishes to speak for or against the candidates. Goodness knows, we've heard their voices often enough these last few weeks...

DWIGHT
Get on with it!

PATSY
Alright, without further ado, I declare...

EMMELINE
I got somethin' to say. I know somethin' about Miss Rhinestone... I know... she'd make a really good Mayor.

Moans from audience - `Tell us something we don't know' etc.

Enter Dilly Boy Garrett

WILLY
And I know something too.

BILLY-JO & EMMELINE
Pa!

CINDY
Garrett!

WILLY
I know to never trust your daughters to do somethin' you should do yourself.