Being a Grown Up by Chris Walker

The play involves a number of separate scenes to illustrate issues about being a grown-up to [in the Prologue and Epilogue] some 'young children' and then throughout to the audience as imagined young children. [Of course, the play could be performed to a primary school - the top end]

The fact that each scene stands on its own means that the play needn't be full-length - which it is if played all through - but can be any length you choose. I list the cast below for each scene, but even those with a large number listed can be flexible - waiters can become waitresses and vice versa. Many can be either sex, as you want - e.g. teachers, presenters and so on. Often there are sub-sections within a scene, which means that doubling can occur to reduce the number of cast.

The play could not be more flexible and consequently useful so far as these things are concerned.

Cast:

PRESENTERS 1 & 2 run throughout all scenes [but could of course be swapped with others in the group to allow a variety of types of role]

PROLOGUE: 4F, 2M ANNIE, JODIE, MOLLY, SALLY, JIMMY, TOMMY - all 'children' between 5 and 7 years

RULES: 4F,4M with doubling, or 24 mixed cast with min 5M, 7F the rest either/or GROWN-UP, CHILD 1, CHILD 2, WOMAN 1, WOMAN 2, BARMAN, MUM, POLICEMAN 1, POLICEMAN 2, WORKER 1, WORKER 2, TEACHER, MANAGER, FAN, STEWARD, MIKE, CARL, ANGELA, ROB, SAMANTHA, MARK, WIFE, GIRL, GUY - the scene, which contains a number of sub-sections, could be played with a minimum of about 8 doubling up - suggest about 4M, 4F if you do this. It could also be a large group scene for your whole group, [max 24] after which scenes with smaller casts give your cast more scope. If using full cast of 24, you need a minimum of 5 boys, a minimum of 7 girls, plus the rest can be either sex. This holds good for the whole play. No scene involves more than this number of compulsory boys or of compulsory girls. Remember that the two presenters occur throughout, making for a potential cast of 26.

PARENTING: 5F teenagers: STACEY, JACKIE; MUM; small child - HARRIET, CHARLOTTE = 7ish

LOSING LOVED ONES: 1M, 1F, 1either DAD, MUM, CHILD

LOSS: 2F, 2 either CHILD, MOTHER, NURSE, GRANDMA

LIVING IN YOUR OWN HOME: 5F, 2M JULIE, SARAH, LOUISE - university students sharing flat; JOHN, RACHEL - young marrieds, MUM, DAD

PAYING THE BILLS: 1M, IF, 3 either WATER BILL, GAS BILL, ELECTRIC BILL, MAN, WOMAN

GETTING A JOB: 1M, 1F, 4 either 4 INTERVIEWERS: 1a, 1b, 2a, & 2b, KATIE, DANIEL

WHAT JOB?: for a cast of 3, either M or F or both. Part of the fun is to play different sexes: who swap roles to play KID, MUM, ASSISTANT, CLEANER, MEDIC, 2 GRAVEDIGGERS, PRIEST, CANDICE, LYNN, TWO FIREMEN, COPPER, 2 ACTORS, DIRECTOR, PLUMBER

EATING HEALTHILY: 2M, 1F, 2 either JOE, ALAN, WAITRESS, INSTRUCTOR, HELEN

FINDING LOVE: 8M*, 5F, 1 either. *This is another scene with sub-sections, which could involve doubling if required for MAN, WOMAN, PETE, KEV, EMILY,FRED, MANAGERESS, BILL, BEN, TANYA, TIM, SLEEPER, STEWARD, PENNY

FINDING LOVE: THE BLIND DATE: 1M, 1F, 1 either WAITER, DOREEN, JAMES

BIG MISTAKE: 3M GEORGE, CRAIG, DARREN

EPILOGUE: 4F ANNIE, MOLLY, SALLY, JODIE - children as for Prologue

The treatment of the subject matter is light and jokey, though serious points are made throughout.

If all scenes played, running time is approximately one and a half hours.

Because of the episodic nature of the play, it is best to keep setting, furniture and props to the minimum. Many props are mimed. Lighting and technical effects are also simple.

Sample Pages from the script

Extract 1

PROLOGUE
Stage represents a playground; Annie and Jodie on a see-saw SL, Molly and Sally on a round-about CS; Jimmy and Tommy sit comparing some collectable in the background, USR.

ANNIE
Jodie, I'm bored of see-saw.

JODIE
Me too, Annie. Let's go play round-about.
Jodie gets off without thinking so Annie thuds to the ground.

ANNIE
Ow!

JODIE
Don't be a baby. Come on!
They walk over, holding hands, to where Molly and Sally, with arms linked, mime round-about.

JODIE
Can we get on too?

MOLLY
How old are you?

ANNIE
I'm ... [scrunching hands together with pleasure] ... FIVE!

JODIE
And I'm nearly six. I can do my own hair.

SALLY
Well, you're not old enough.

MOLLY
You might fall off.

SALLY
You didn't say 'please', anyway.

MOLLY
You don't get things if you don't say 'please'.

SALLY
That's a rule.

ANNIE
How old are you then?

MOLLY
We're seven.

JODIE to Molly
Is your name Sally?

SALLY
She's Molly. I'm Sally.
Jodie runs upstage to talk to the boys.

ANNIE
That's her brother, Jimmy.

MOLLY
He goes to our school.

SALLY brightening
You can play with us if you like.
Jodie leads Jimmy to the group, his friend Tommy following a few steps behind, reluctantly.

JODIE
This is Jimmy.

MOLLY
Yeah. Jimmy Stupidface!

JIMMY
Stupid to you, Molly Melon-head.

SALLY putting hand on chest of each to separate
Stop saying nasty names and act like grown-ups do.

ANNIE
But they're not grown-ups.

TOMMY
Will be one day.

JODIE
When I'm a grown-up, I'm going to have a big house with a big garden and lots of pets.

TOMMY
I want to drive a big car.

JIMMY
When I grow up I'm going to be a doctor.

MOLLY
I want to be a nurse.

ANNIE
We can play doctors and nurses.

MOLLY
I have to see how hot your head is to see if you are ill. [Slaps hand on Tommy's head.]

SALLY
Let's pretend I fell off the swing and you have to make my leg better.

JIMMY grabbing her leg
It's gone green. We'll have to chop it off.

MOLLY
But Doctor, we could put it in a pot-thing so her friends can write on it.

JIMMY
No, we can't. I'm the doctor and it's up to me. [Sticks tongue out.]

TOMMY striking a pose
I want to be a pirate, like Jack Sparrow! With a parrot and a ship so I can go to sea, with no more parents telling me what to do.

JODIE hanging on to Tommy's arm, staring up gleefully
No-one telling you to brush your teeth and no bed-time.

SALLY
Stay up as long as you want.

ANNIE
But you'd be too tired for school.

JIMMY
When you're a grown-up you don't go to school.

JODIE
My mummy does. It's a grown-up school.

MOLLY
Well, why isn't she in the playground then?

JODIE
She's too busy studying so she can get a job with lots of money.

JIMMY
How much does Batman get paid?

TOMMY
He can't get paid 'cos no one knows who he is. It's secret!

SALLY
You can be Superman. He doesn't wear a mask.
Tommy strikes Superman pose.

MOLLY
But you have to marry Lois Lane!

TOMMY
I'm not marrying anybody. I'm going to play football. [To Jimmy.] Come on!

JIMMY following him
See you in a bit.
The boys depart. As they do, Jodie speaks.

JODIE
Jimmy likes you, Sally.

ANNIE / JODIE
Sally and Jimmy, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g!! [They make kissy faces.]

SALLY
When you're bigger you get to kiss boys.

MOLLY
I kissed a boy already.

SALLY
Who was it?

MOLLY
Walter Williams. I did it for a jelly-baby.

JODIE
If you kiss a boy, I heard you get a real baby.

ANNIE
No. I heard your brains fall out.

Freeze. Presenters come forward. Children quietly exit as they speak.

Extract 2

GETTING A JOB

Either side of the stage is a desk with 2 interviewers and an empty seat facing, for the candidate. The interviewers are studying application forms. Panel 1 are shaking their heads. Panel 2 are nodding with approval. A receptionist shows Katie in to Panel 1. She is dressed more like she is ready for a night out on the town.

INTERVIEWER 1a
Thankyou for coming, Katie.

INTERVIEWER 1b
Yes, good to meet you.
They each hold their hands out for her to shake.

KATIE slapping palms instead and sitting straight down
'S all right. No problemo. Not got owt better to do.
A receptionist shows Daniel in to meet Panel 2. He is dressed in a smart suit.

INTERVIEWER 2a
Thankyou for coming, Daniel.

INTERVIEWER 2b
Pleased to meet you.
The interviewers hold out their hands to shake.

DANIEL shaking each in turn
My pleasure. Thankyou for inviting me.

INTERVIEWER 2a
Won't you take a seat?

DANIEL
Thankyou.
They all sit down.

PRESENTER 2
You might already have spotted some subtle differences.

INTERVIEWER 1a
Well, your application certainly made very interesting reading.

INTERVIEWER 1b
We don't get that many in red and green ink.

INTERVIEWER 1a
You describe some very interesting experiences.

INTERVIEWER 1b
Your knowledge of fruit machines, skill with the hula-hoop ...

INTERVIEWER 1a
But in the box where you are asked for qualifications ... exam results and so on ... you simply wrote 'Lots.' Could you expand on that, please?

KATIE
Yeah, well, I sat loads of exams while I were at school. Some of them more than once ...

Extract 3

WHAT JOB?

PRESENTER 1
Have you ever wondered what job you might do when you grow up? There are lots of really interesting enjoyable jobs.

PRESENTER 2
But there are also plenty of, well ... NOT so fun jobs!
In the following, 3 actors play all the roles, moving swiftly from one scenario to the next, using mime to suggest all objects mentioned. It should be as fast-moving as possible. To begin with, the three actors represent a mother and child and a sales assistant at a fast-food franchise.

KID
I want one of those.

MUM
One McChicken burger.

KID
And ice-cream.

MUM
One McSlurry.

KID
And fizzy drink!

MUM
And a coke.

ASSISTANT bored senseless
Do you want fries with that?

MUM
Ooh, I don't know if we should.

ASSISTANT pointing
They come with the meal deal.

MUM
Go on, then.
Child bounces up and down cheering excitedly.

ASSISTANT
You know you can 'Go Large' for an extra thirty pee?

MUM
No, thanks. We're trying to be healthy.
Assistant gives them a pointed look, before turning to pick up a tray and swing it out for Mum to take. She passes it to the child, who drops it.

ASSISTANT
Call the cleaner!
Mum turns into cleaner, Assistant turns into another customer.

CLEANER starts mopping and looks at audience
It's a dirty job, but somebody has to do it.
Other customer walks across the floor he is mopping, slips and lands on floor senseless.

CLEANER
Oh no! Call the ambulance!
Actor previously playing the kid mimes driving, while making the sound of ambulance siren. Stopping at body and 'getting out.'

CLEANER
Slipped and smacked his head on my nice clean floor.

MEDIC lifts head, puts finger to neck
I'm too late. This person is dead and will need to be buried. Send for a priest and a grave digger.
Actor playing dead customer stays on the floor as Medic turns into a priest and the cleaner becomes George the grave digger. George digs for a while, wipes his brow and looks at the audience.

GEORGE
I'm George. I dig graves. I hate my life. [Continues digging.]

PRIEST
We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of - this person - taken from us all too soon, before he could even order his Whopper. [Putting hand to head.] But I'm afraid we're going to have to cut this funeral short because I've just realised I'm in need of a haircut. All move to new positions. Dead person gets up as hairdresser Lynn, to mime brushing the priest's hair, while George becomes salon trainee Candice.

LYNN
Oooh! You should see your split ends love. Candice! Scissors!

CANDICE mimes passing to Lynn Scissors. [To audience.]
Hiya. My name's Candice. I've just left school and I'm a trainee at a hair salon. It's all right.

LYNN to Priest, while miming snipping
So I said to him I said, 'You can just pack your bags and get out right now because you're nothing but trouble.' You think I did the right thing?

PRIEST lost in thought
What was that? Oh, yes, of course.

CANDICE
You want the hair spray?

PRIEST Yes, please, love.
Lynn sprays 'Priest's' hair. Candice lights a cigarette as Lynn sprays across to her side. They make 'Fwoosh' sound as Priest screams and they all leap about as if his hair is on fire.

LYNN
Nooo!

CANDICE
Call the fire brigade!
Candice and Lynn rush to one side of the stage and strike poses as big strapping fire-men, each carrying a hose and pointing it to the priest, delivering the following while 'putting him out.'

FIREMAN 1
We are firemen.

FIREMAN 2
We fight fires.

FIREMAN 1
We need to be big and strong.

FIREMAN 2
The ladies love us.

Extract 4

FINDING LOVE

PRESENTER 1
Love, it has been said, makes the world go round.

PRESENTER 2
Well it certainly seems to put most adults in a spin.

PRESENTER 1
As you get older, you are all going to find yourselves becoming more and more interested in finding that one special person to ...

PRESENTER 2 pulling face
... get mushy with.

PRESENTER 1 flapping hand frantically
Make your heart beat faster.

PRESENTER 2
Make you feel all pink and fluffy inside.

PRESENTER 1
Someone to be your partner ...

PRESENTER 2
Your other half.

PRESENTER 1
One you want to spend the rest of your life with. Maybe even have a family.

PRESENTER 2
Okay, we get the idea. Move on!

PRESENTER 1
There are lots of different ways in which you might meet a person and fall in love, and we are going to show you just a few of them.

PRESENTER 2
You might meet someone special through a chance conversation about a subject in which you are both interested. While shopping at a book store for instance...
A woman stands skimming through a Harry Potter book at a book store. A man, passing by takes note of her and stops. He sidles up close enough to spy what book she has in her hands.

MAN
I'd buy that if I were you.

WOMAN
I beg your pardon?

MAN
That's really good. He's one of my favourite authors.

WOMAN smiling with amusement
Really?

MAN
Yeah. I've read all of his books.

WOMAN still smiling
Oh? Which one's your favourite?

MAN not expecting this
Err ... his first one.

WOMAN having fun
What did you like about it?

MAN
The way he ... er ... used words to ... kind of ... tell the story.

WOMAN acting impressed
Why, that is so true.

MAN gaining confidence
He makes Harry seem like a real person.

WOMAN
Your favourite author, eh? So how come you don't know J.K.Rowling is a woman?!

MAN thinking quickly
Ah! Yes, well ... you may think that, but he's very shy and pretending to be a woman is just a trick he plays to ... to ...

WOMAN walking away
Nice try. Better luck next time!

PRESENTER 1
When trying to make conversation, it always helps if you know what you are talking about! Two lads just wearing shorts mime kicking a ball back and forth as if on a beach.

PRESENTER 2
Some people fall in love on holiday at the seaside.

KEV
Beckham lays it off to Gerrard ...

PETE
... to Rooney ...

KEV ... To ...
They gape at a girl in shorts and halter-top who strolls in-between them carrying a towel which she arranges and sits on as if to sun herself. Kev and Pete stand there gob-smacked.

PETE/ KEV
Corrrrrr!!!
The girl, Emily, removes suncream from her bag. Pete kicks the ball towards her and goes to retrieve it, posing to show off his physique - which isn't much. Funnier if the actor is small and slender, trying to act like Mr Universe.

PETE
Sorry to disturb you. Just came for our ball.

EMILY
Oh my! Hello there.

PETE seeing cream in her hand
Need a hand?

EMILY pointing at area on her back
Well, there is a place on my back which I can't reach, if it's not too much trouble...

PETE smiling and taking bottle
No trouble at all.

EMILY
Oh, you do have a lovely touch. How long are you here? [A meaningful look.]

PETE
That depends on ... how long you'd like me to be here for. [Smiles.]

PRESENTER 1
And before too long...
Time has passed. The two stand facing, she with her arms around his neck.

EMILY
This is the very spot where we first met. Good old Blackpool.

PETE
Emily, I have something important to ask you. I don't know quite how to do it, when or where, or what to say, but ... but ...

EMILY giggling
Yes? Yes? Say it!

PETE getting down on one knee
W ..w..w..will ... will ... you? ...

EMILY
Marry you? Oh yes, Pete. Yes! Yes! Yes! I will! ...